The Tales of Flashover House – Fame Beckons

Matron was going along the corridor knocking on the doors.

“Come into the lounge chaps, there is someone who wants to speak to you.”
Disentangling themselves from the DX, the hams filed obediently into the lounge where a gaunt figure in a long black overcoat was awaiting them.

“This is Mr McGlum,” said Matron, “and he would like to say a few words to you.”

The stranger cleared his throat and began. “My name is Amos McGlum and it is my privilege to introduce you to the Golden Valhallas.”

“That’s good news,” chipped in Weasel, We could do with a new Chinese Take away. I haven’t had a decent rattlesnake for months.”

Mr Mc Glum winced slightly. It was as though he had just spotted Mother Theresa cheating at postman’s knock, but he recovered quickly and continued.

“Golden Valhalla Inc. Plc. of Southern Wisconsin, is an American based chain of funeral parlours. In the States, we are famed for the smooth sensitivity of our operations, and we are seeking to extend our activities to the U.K to gee things up a little.”

“As I look round at your laces gentlemen I can see the fear in your eyes and I can understand the reason. You are worrying about the time in the very near future when you will become immortally challenged and you feel unhappy that your elevation to the astral plane will lack that certain zip. Fear not gentlemen, a few thousand pounds invested with Golden Valhalla will disperse these worries like August snow.”

“Allow me to tell you about some of the exciting facilities we have to offer. Firstly, we have an elite group of mourners who are on stand-by to fly anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice. These men are true professionals and all have gained a degree in Advanced Misery at the University of North Dakota. So confident are we of their ability that if one of them so much as litters, or giggles you get your money back. Then for our more discerning clients, we have the one hundred voice celestial choir.”

“Are they Welsh?” asked Rees Morgan.

“Sadly no”, said McGlum. “We would have preferred a Welsh choir but the South Koreans put in the lowest tender. I have, however, left the best until last, and I am sure that this will appeal in view of your collective hobby. We call it our flagship of good taste. Picture if you will a dozen radio controlled angels looping the loop and swooping over the heads of tile congregation.”

“All this for a mere two thousand pounds extra! I am leaving you with one of our coloured brochures so that you may enthuse over the wonders of Golden Valhalla until we meet again but, before I go have you any questions?”

“Yes” said Angus. “Is it true that when the dearly departed slides through the door of the crematorium, a member of your profession is around the back with a screwdriver nicking the brass handles.”

McGlum pulled himself together. “That would be most unethical, although there is enshrined in our strict code of practice, provision for pre-conflagrationary nonferrous recovery protocol.”

“That means ‘Yes’,” said a youthful G4, who knew all about long words. Mc Glum did a brief bow to Matron and retired. There was a short pause followed by the voice of Angus. ”What was yon laddie blithering about?”

“Search me,” said Weasel. “He seems to have got the idea that someone has died. It’s not you Rees Morgan, is it?”

“No,” said Rees Morgan. “I still get evil thoughts every time I see Jill Dando on the box, so I guess that makes me alive. Someone has made a mistake and sent him to the wrong place. He was probably looking for the terminally indisposed just down the road. There’s no one going to die here, that’s for sure.

“Hang on a minute,” said Matron “Does this mean that I am stuck with you lot for ever?” “It certainly looks that way” said G2.

Return to the index of Vital Spark articles.

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Popular pages

Get your amateur radio licence - Find out more about amateur radio licence training.
Month on the Air - G3MGQ's popular monthly DX contest/expedition list.
Wilf Gaye Memorial Cup - The clubs annual operating event in the memory of Wilf Gaye M0GYE.
St. Richard's College Buildathon/STEM/ARISS - HERC attends St. Richard's Catholic College for their various events surrounding the Tim Peake ARISS contact.
G3BDQ - John Hey's Rare QSL Cards.
Sussex Electronics Radio Fair - SERF Sussex Electronics Radio Fair 2016.
Vital Spark - A selection of articles re-published from the Vital Spark.
RSGB News - Find out how to get RSGB news on your mobile or PC.
Experimenters Corner - A selection of Proteus projects by Bob Gornal (G7DME)
BBADL - Bath Based Distance Learning Course.
Conquest Hospital Radio - Presented by HERC member Antony (G4CUS).
Radio Rallies 2016 - An up to date list of radio rallies scheduled for 2016.
Club QSL Cards - A selection of QSL cards the club has received over the years.
Other Newsletters - Excellent newsletters and magazines from other clubs.
TX Factor episodes - Take a look at the TX Factors YouTube videos.
John Taplin - A bio of the late John Taplin.

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