The Tales of Flashover House – The Concert

Breakfast was just finished at Flashover House. “ Before you all sneak off to speak to Australia”, said Matron. “I would like to have a few words about Christmas.”

“Christmas!” cried G2.” We haven’t had Halloween or penny for the guy yet.”

“Nevertheless” said Matron, “we have to start making plans.”
“I hope you’re not thinking of inviting those ferocious man-eaters from Slipstich House to spend the day with us again” said Angus. “When they were here last year that Lollita Bagshaw kept looking up my kilt with a periscope. I wouldn’t have minded so much but she started letting the others to have a look at ten pence a peep”

“Did they get value for money?’ enquired Rees Morgan. “I have no statement to make at this time,” laughed Angus.

‘Don’t panic” said Matron. “What I have in mind is to invite them round for the evening and put on a little concert for them. That way we won’t have any catering to do. So come on now tell me all about your special talents.”

This request produced an embarrassed silence, eventually broken by Weasel. ‘In my younger days when I used to hang about round the Elephant and Castle I was considered to be a pretty nifty performer on the spoons”.

“That will look very nice on the programme.” said Matron.

“The choir will now sing Silent Night featuring Mr Weasel on the old EPNS!’

This more or less opened the flood-gates and tales of dramatic prowess started to roll in. A wizened G3 claimed that he could do farmyard impressions, if he remembered to put his teeth in. Rees Morgan appointed himself choirmaster and Angus offered to do a sword dance provided there was sufficient Elastoplast on hand. A young G4 stated that for some time, he had been reading a book on magic. He felt that he had almost mastered it and if Matron would consent to be his assistant he would have a go at sawing her in half. Matron vetoed the suggestion on the grounds that it didn’t sound very festive and recommended to the G4 that he should stick to card tricks and pulling doves out of his waistcoat pocket.

After a week or two, they reached the rehearsal stage. It went fairly well but as they all agreed, it needed a little something to give it a touch of class.

“Cometh the hour, cometh the man” came a voice from the doorway. They turned and beheld the beaming face and outstretched arms of McGonagall. As it was the season of good will they welcomed him into the fold.

“I don’t suppose you have brought one of your poetic offerings?” said G2 with a slight tremor in his voice “Indeed I have said the bard and before anyone could stop him, he was In full spate.

O skirl the pipes or, Christmas Day
O skirl them in the boozers
O won’t you stop your tickling Jock
O Donald where’s your trousers.

‘Are you going to recite this at the concert?” enquired G2.

‘Oh my goodness no” said McGonagall “I am thinking of giving them the Tay Bridge Disaster. That always gets them dancing in the aisle”.

The day of the concert arrived and Matron introduced the acts. For some reason she was dressed as a fairy with a tinsel wand but they didn’t like to ask her why.

As the curtain came down there was generous applause. Lolita Bagshaw stepped forward to make a speech of thanks arid she finished up by saying. ‘Now we have a little surprise for you” The ladies formed a line and one of their number put on a tape recording of the Swan Lake.

“Lovely” said G2 “They are going to give us a classical ballet. But he had spoken too soon as a few seconds later. CRASH BANG WALLOP. The delicate strains of Tchaikovsky were replaced by the strident sounds of Offenbach and the Can-Can. At the same time the tiny swans teetering on their points became raucous shameless wantons. The room heaved with a mass of quivering flesh, snapping corset laces, scanty pantaloons and high kicking legs. G2 stood aghast. His mother had warned him about girls like this and he was beginning to regret that he had not listened to her.

From the back of the room Rees Morgan was trying to make himself heard. “Don’t do the splits ladies. For heaven’s sake don’t do the splits.’ But he was too late. His world was filled with shrieking leaping and perspiring old ladies with no thought of decorum. Surely Jill Dando was never like this!

Then on a signal from Lolita Bagshaw the music stopped and the ladies prepared to leave. They could hear them giggling as they clambered aboard their mini-bus. In the comparative calm of Flashover House G2 was the first to speak. “What do you make of all that then?”  Weasel replied with just the suspicion of a sparkle in his eye “Well, it certainly beats sawing Matron in half that’s for sure!”

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Month on the Air - G3MGQ's popular monthly DX contest/expedition list.
Wilf Gaye Memorial Cup - The clubs annual operating event in the memory of Wilf Gaye M0GYE.
St. Richard's College Buildathon/STEM/ARISS - HERC attends St. Richard's Catholic College for their various events surrounding the Tim Peake ARISS contact.
G3BDQ - John Hey's Rare QSL Cards.
Sussex Electronics Radio Fair - SERF Sussex Electronics Radio Fair 2016.
Vital Spark - A selection of articles re-published from the Vital Spark.
RSGB News - Find out how to get RSGB news on your mobile or PC.
Experimenters Corner - A selection of Proteus projects by Bob Gornal (G7DME)
BBADL - Bath Based Distance Learning Course.
Conquest Hospital Radio - Presented by HERC member Antony (G4CUS).
Radio Rallies 2016 - An up to date list of radio rallies scheduled for 2016.
Club QSL Cards - A selection of QSL cards the club has received over the years.
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TX Factor episodes - Take a look at the TX Factors YouTube videos.
John Taplin - A bio of the late John Taplin.

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