The Tales of Flashover House – Weasel and the Elixir of Youth

Weasel was the first to spot it. A brightly coloured brochure shining like a beacon in the middle of all the daily junk mail.

What really attracted him though was the banner headline. “Regain your lost youth. See the years roll away.”

Apparently all you had to do to be transported to this instant Utopia was to send the modest enrolment fee of £20 to Professor X whose impressive address was given as Box 99 the Past Office Mile End Road.

“This looks like the sort of thing I am looking for” said Weasel making for his shack to pick up his cheque book.

“Don’t do it Weasel” warned Angus “It looks like a big con to me.”

“Oh I don’t think so“, said Weasel “Look, there is a list of satisfied customers. 80 year old Mrs. M of Basingstoke feels so good that she is taking up the pole-vault, and war veteran Sgt Major W of Stoke on Trent looks so young that he is getting away with paying half fare on the bus.”

“Take it from me Angus, this is the real thing.”

“On your own head be it”, said Angus. “The old adage about a fool and his money is obviously still true today.”

So Weasel sent off his money and a couple of days later a package arrived for him.

He opened it while the rest of the hams gathered round with ill-concealed glee.

There is always pleasure in seeing a friend making a fool of himself. The first thing out of the box was a bottle of mauve coloured fluid labelled “The Elixir.”

This was to be taken once a day. The hams couldn’t identify this fluid but they perked up no end when Weasel took the first dose and it took the chrome off the spoon!

The only other contents of the package were two type-written sheets headed ‘Lesson 1’. These said in effect that to look young you must act young and students of the course should take daily walks with a spring in their step and their heads held high.

That seemed reasonable enough so Weasel decided to try it right away. They saw him making his way towards the gate looking for all the world like a storm trooper on manoeuvres.

Then, a few seconds after he disappeared from view, there was a rather expensive sounding crash. Weasel reappeared in the lounge looking embarrassed.

“I think I overdid the head held high bit. I have just put my fool through the cucumber frame” After a few minutes to recover he decided to continue the treatment and went of down the road in the direction of the old ladies home where he trod on their cat.

So, all in all, lesson one was not an unqualified success but Weasel was not daunted and looking forward to lesson two.

When this arrived it was all to do with personal appearance. It explained that these days, all young and trendy men are wearing beards so this must be the next exercise.

Obviously beards take some time to grow so a false beard was enclosed In the package at a small extra charge.

Weasel fixed the beard in the privacy of his shack then returned to the lounge for the approval of the hams.

There were various opinions but Rees Morgan summed them up, when he said that Weasel looked like a Portuguese of ill repute.

Matron burst out laughing, ‘I have just had a terrible thought.”

“If they have sent one of these to Mrs. M of Basingstoke she must be over the moon.”
In view of all the criticism Weasel decided to let nature take its course in the hope that when lesson three arrived he would have grown a beard of sorts.

This proved to be correct but the growth was a bit of a disappointing. G2 said that it looked like a man skulking in a bush eating a hedgehog.

Weasel disregarded all the unkind remarks and turned his attention to the latest lesson which consisted of sartorial advice.

It listed in some detail what has become the uniform of the “cool generation”.

From the ground up there are the trainers with the makers name in big letters on the toe-caps. Then there are the trousers.

Care must be taken here to make them four inches too long so that they concertina over the shoes and scrape on the pavement.

The tail of the shirt should be allowed to swing free in the general direction of the back of the knee.

The whole ensemble is crowned by the baseball cap which is always worn with the peak facing the back.

Weasel followed these instructions to the full and in no time at all he was ready for the graduation exam – the all-night disco and rave up.

The hams looked on with fascinated horror as he paraded in his regalia and announced himself ready for action.

“Here I go then.” he said “off to pull a few chicks.” “I bet you a pound you don’t” laughed Matron ‘You’re on.” said Weasel. ‘As a matter of     fact the next time you see mel will probably have one on each arm!”

This last statement proved to be prophetic as, about half an hour later, there was a ring at the door-bell and, sure enough, there was Weasel with a female raver on each arm.

This turned out to be not quite what it seemed, as a closer inspection revealed that they were holding him up.  “Is this geezer one of yorn?” asked the first vision of loveliness giving an exhibition of dexterity with her bubblegum.

Matron admitted ownership of the heap of human wreckage and asked what had happened.

At this time the other young raver thought she had heifer join the act.“ Me and Sandra right, went to this gig right, and we hadn’t been there long when this funny bloke comes in right”

“I says to Sandra, I think this guy is weird right, and she says yes, I think he is weird right. So there we are thinking about how he is weird, when he comes up to us and pinches Sandra’s bottom.”

“Then Sandra says to me I think he is a pervert as well as being weird and I says yes I think you’re right Sandra.”

Just then! the music starts up right, and it is Laughing Jack Swamp fever and the Hounds of Bedlam and they are brill. Sandra says it’s because one of them can read music.”

“Anyway, when this weird guy hears the music, he gets all excited and jumps up and down. Then suddenly he falls in a
heap on the floor and people are treading on him.”

“Sandra asked me to give him the kiss of life but I didn’t fancy it so we decided to take him home.”

“I thought he lived at this Flashover place because I have seen queer people like him hanging out of the window. So here we are. Is there a reward?”

“No,” said Matron “It is the rule of the house. We only give a reward if you don’t bring them back.”

They put Weasel on the couch in the lounge. He seemed to recover after his exertions and presently they heard him say, “How about that then? One chick on each arm, and by the way Matron, you owe me a quid.”

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